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So I just recently got back to San Diego from the UK.

Before I left, I was in pretty rough shape. I had had 5 1/2 months straight of inpatient medicine, which for those of you who don't know, is EXHAUSTING...The last 2 1/2 months being the worst. The last few weeks before vacation, I first (in the middle of a really busy and crazy month) had to fly to Michigan for my cousin's funeral. ALthough it was wonderful to be with my family and support them in a difficult time (I was really thankful also to work for allowing me to do so), but it was a really emotionally and physically exhausting 48 hours, and nearly immediately upon returning, I had to go back to work for a call shift...

Then came 2 weeks of "night float." Which is really the hardest job I have had to do yet. Basically, I was covering everyone's patients for 14 hours at night while everyone else was home sleeping. Although I have some really funny stories from it, I had 5 patients die 5 nights in a row. And although there was nothing more I could have done any of those nights to prevent the deaths (trust me, I asked about a billion times), it really wears emotionally on you...

So needless to say, when I left, I was tired beyond belief, I was emotionally worn out, I was wondering why I had decided to be a dr...

Praise God for refreshing me. It was really good to see my parents, it was really good to be away in a different country, to experience a different culture, to go to some good church services, to talk to some interesting people, and to feel loved by my friends Christin and John. And although I came back sick, to a full patient load and call shift (after which I came home and slept 20 hours!!!), I feel thankful to be back and ready to face the challenges of work again. Being away, although wonderful, has helped me to be thankful for where I am and what God has done for me.

Please be patient with me in returning calls and whatnot as I get reacclimated and recover from a nasty virus...And please pray for me that God gives me the energy to get through another week while recovering from being sick and having a really crazy patient load.

Cheers!!

Blessings

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be on call all day and all night. When I first realized that I was going to be on call, I was totally bummed. If I could ask for any holiday off - Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years, it would for sure be Thanksgiving. As time got closer to Thanksgiving, I began to think more and more about how hard it would be to be a kid in the hospital on Thanksgiving. And as I have been at Children's hospital the past few weeks, I have realized the full impact of this.

By the time I left the hospital today, things were pretty slow. WE try really hard to get kids out of the hospital for Thanksgiving, and people really don't bring their kids in around the holiday unless absolutely necessary...So after a day of frantic discharges, I have 3 patients left to start my holiday call. One of them is a 2 year old with down's syndrom and severe lung disease. She lives in a convalescent home because her medical needs are too much for her parents. I haven't seen anyone visit her since she has been in the hospital. Sometimes she fusses because she is lonely, and then her breathing gets worse. Another patient is a little tiny baby boy who was a preemie and thus has terrible lung disease. He is 3 months old and has only been out of the hospital for 8 days. Haven't seen his parents all day. And he is just a little teeny tiny baby that needs oxygen. My third patient is a 15 year old who has been sick for a month. I am pretty sure he is going to leave the hospital with a diagnosis of leukemia...

So as much as I am bummed about not getting to spend thanksgiving with my family, I can't even feel sad about it. My job situation is hard - the hours are hard, the emotional and mental demands are hard...But it accentuates how much I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for my health, that I have not had to spend one day of my life in a hospital as a patient. I am thankful that after I finish my post call nap, I will have a loving family who can't wait to hang out with me, and drove all the way down to San Diego to hang out with me for a few hours. So really, what does it matter that it is not the actual day of Thanksgiving?

How can I feel sad about being at the hospital when so many kids there have such sadness in their lives. I can't take away their pain by being there on Thanksgiving and making the sacrifice of not being with my family. But they deserve someone to take care of them, and I am glad and honored that I can do it.

Some thoughts on survival

It has been awhile since I have updated here...

I am enjoying my life in San Diego, and slowly, but surely getting more adjusted and feeling at home. All the same, intern year is no doubt incredibly crazy...I am working long hours, the job is incredibly emotionally and mentally demanding. It is really easy for me at this point to "turn off," to go into survival mode, and just do what I need to do, day to day, to get through the day.

I usually don't realize that this happens, it usually happens slowly and insidiously, until I am numb all the time and not engaging enough with my job. I really hate when I recognize that this is happening. Being a doctor, you work with people when they are incredibly vulnerable, incredibly scared, and they need someone who cares about not only taking care of their medical needs, but also listening to them and caring for their emotional needs and fears.

Usually I see it is as such a privilidge to be on the inside of people's lives, to be the one to take care of them when they are hurt and scared. Taking care of the emotional needs and fears of patients is something I think I generally do well and is one of my strengths as a dr. And it is so disappointing to me when I look at things and realize that I am just doing what I need to do to get through the day, not taking care of my patients as the whole people that they are.

The past  few weeks I was toying around with a bit of a relationship. It came out of nowhere. I knew from the beginning that we were not a good match for each other, but I got caught off guard when I actually liked him. For a few weeks, it was really nice to spend time with a man, to feel desired and taken care of...I had to cut things off this week because I knew that as much as I enjoyed spending time with him, he was not a match and it was not fair to either of us to drag it out. 

I did what I had to do, but I was really bummed about it. Being with him over the past few weeks reminded me how much I need love, how much I need affection, and no amount of being engrossed in work can change that. A part of me that I forgot was there came out, came alive, and it is really hard now to push it away...Having to break it off with a nice, normal, guy plays into my fears that I will never find "Mr Right." And I have this rawness inside of me from having to cut off an amount of love and affection to remind me how much I want that...

All the same, I think it is making me a better dr this week. Remembering that I have needs, that my life is more than being a robot slave to the machine, is helping me to be more in tune with the emotional needs of my patients.

(which, unfortunately, doesn't make me any less exhausted or overworked...I just switched over to peds 5 weeks ago. Spent 4 weeks in newborn, and now for the first time in residency, I am at the childrens hospital, taking care of patients older than the age of 7 days, and the winter is rough...Kids come in and out by the hundreds. They are really cute though. Cases are either incredibly sad and devastating or happy and encouraging. Sometimes a little of both)

I am getting more adjusted to life in San Diego. I like being where I am. Some days have been so awesome (seeing a patient do well, etc) and some days have been so hard (having a patient threaten me). I really like San Diego, but it doesn't totally feel like home to me yet. I am used to being so transient, that it hasn't occured to me that I could finish residency, get a job here, and decide to be here. Feeling at home, too, is a matter of connectedness, feeling like I have friends, church, etc...

Today I checked out church #5. Of all the churches I have checked out, I felt pretty mediocre about all of them (except for one which seemed really cultish and creepy). I recognize that there is not one perfect church, and that there isn't going to be some magical angels singing moment to make me decide that it is the right church...but I really want to feel at home somewhere, and know I will be challenged, etc. I wasn't totally in love with the church I went to today, but something happened that really made a difference for me. An older woman sat next to me, and chatted with me, asking me where I was from and what brought me to SD and such (and in a really genuine way, not in a creepy, trying to capture you into the cult way). It was the first time out of 5 churches that someone has talked to me (even including when the pastor tells you to). It makes such a difference in feeling alone, feeling welcomed. For once, I left church not feeling all depressed and lonely...I need to remember that when I do get established somewhere. How much it means to be welcomed.  

I am getting more adjusted to life in San Diego. I like being where I am. Some days have been so awesome (seeing a patient do well, etc) and some days have been so hard (having a patient threaten me). I really like San Diego, but it doesn't totally feel like home to me yet. I am used to being so transient, that it hasn't occured to me that I could finish residency, get a job here, and decide to be here. Feeling at home, too, is a matter of connectedness, feeling like I have friends, church, etc...

Today I checked out church #5. Of all the churches I have checked out, I felt pretty mediocre about all of them (except for one which seemed really cultish and creepy). I recognize that there is not one perfect church, and that there isn't going to be some magical angels singing moment to make me decide that it is the right church...but I really want to feel at home somewhere, and know I will be challenged, etc. I wasn't totally in love with the church I went to today, but something happened that really made a difference for me. An older woman sat next to me, and chatted with me, asking me where I was from and what brought me to SD and such (and in a really genuine way, not in a creepy, trying to capture you into the cult way). It was the first time out of 5 churches that someone has talked to me (even including when the pastor tells you to). It makes such a difference in feeling alone, feeling welcomed. For once, I left church not feeling all depressed and lonely...I need to remember that when I do get established somewhere. How much it means to be welcomed.